Log in

A couple of things

  • Danny wants me to work with him/on Banner implementation "until it comes into fruition a year from now"

  • Gerry leaves on August 17th, giving me a month to do as much as I can in the Office of Instruction

  • Leandra really, really loves me, and she bragged about me at the conference she was at; she said I'm a fast learner and I work hard

  • Thais really, really, really, REALLY loves me and wants to keep me in this department

  • I saw Pat today and he told me all of this awesomeness

  • He also said that I shouldn't stay in this department; SOCs get paid more and I deserve my own space

  • He said I was a "shoo in", and if they didn't hire me he'd "raise hell". I love the guy.

  • I picked up Banner relatively quickly

  • Lu really, really wants me to be her SOC now that she's a dean and her SOC sucks

  • Patty wants me to stay here too because I got the impression that she doesn't like LinPing

  • LinPing didn't stick around for the Banner sessions; she left because the room was too cold

  • Danny bought me tea today and said that he might include me in a special committee for Banner implementation

  • Kena's a sweetheart and I wouldn't mind picking up some of her work if I become a full-time

  • Lori needs to get out of the bitter barn as soon as possible; that's not healthy for anyone

  • I really hope some of the SOCs annoyed the crap out of Danny, and I hope that the WV SOCs taught the spoiled MC SOCs a lesson

  • mom's lawyer got back to me on Zulema's stupid case; I'll call him tonight or tomorrow

  • mom's taking me to the doctor tonight


Woe is me (oh get over it)

I almost cried this morning. Didn't let myself do it though, I didn't have time to anyway. I dreamt that I was in school again and we were all standing in a circle and playing a game. It was fun and I was happy. Every time I dream about school, I wake up with the urge to cry.

I want to go back so badly. But I don't want to talk about it right now.

Maybe that's why I haven't been updating? I don't know. The urge to update is gone for some reason. My mind is on other things. I don't want to force it just for the sake of updating, you know?

It's already May 8th and I still haven't volunteered anywhere. At least we're looking into moving out, there's something to look forward to. I don't know. I'm very blah right now.

I bought a piano. But of course I split it with mom so it's half hers, half mine. It's gorgeous but it's not real. Yesterday I played two notes at the same time on both of my hands. I almost panicked, I don't remember ever doing that in the years and years I've tried to have lessons. It sounded awesome! How am I supposed to split my brain like that though?! It's hard! And I don't know how I want to learn it yet, by the keys or by the notes. With flute I learned by the fingering but it seems like it'd be easier on piano to learn the sequence of keys....

I love piano. I'm determined to learn it and this time, there are no excuses. I'm going to learn. I will fucking learn it.

Got to keep my brain occupied somehow right?

I stopped working out and I'm miserable. I'm sick of the video so I won't be doing it anymore. I miss the outdoors and the wind in my hair. I want to run but I can't. With the weather change, my knee flared up and got all weird and swollen. I'm only 26, I don't want to fuck myself over because I wanted to run. Whatever.

I'll "walk briskly" with my hand weights. Yep. That's what I'll do.

I want to move out. I want to go to grad school. I want to work out. I want to learn how to play piano. I want to volunteer. I want to dance. I want to eat right. There's so much I want to do and I checked off ONE THING on this enormous, outrageous, completely impossible list. I don't want to leave Lulu hanging. I don't know how she could afford a two-bedroom place if I go off to grad school. It's either moving out now or going to grad school now and I can't do both.

I can't fucking do both.

I want to move out. I want that more than going to grad school, believe it or not. I want to move out so I can play piano whenever I want and work out whenever I want and eat whatever I want without having anyone looming over my shoulder. I want my own life already, goddamn it, I've waited long enough! I want to move out so I can find a gym nearby or a place to enroll in dance lessons. I can research any university or volunteer opportunities nearby. I want a water bill and a trash bill and I want to go grocery shopping and clothes shopping.

Other people can do it. Why can't I? I have a stable job. I can get a degree in fucking Mexico for one year and then come back to it. Mohinder said I could keep my job. I want to go back to school and I need to stop being so fucking terrified of not being able to get a job afterwards. I fucking refuse to move back in with the parents when I'm 30. The thought just makes me want to break down and cry.

Just, stop. Stop. I'll find something. Lulu won't be at Annie's place forever, I could always take her place too. And like I said. It takes two years to get a Master's. I could get the equivalent in one year in Mexico. Lulu could use my credit card to pay for rent while I'm gone for 6 months out of the year. I could get a loan to pay for school. I'm already down by one loan and I can start saving up like crazy. It's just one year's worth of a loan instead of 4. Why am I so fucking terrified? Enough already, I need to stop crying. I need to stop crying over this, I need to stop.

I'm not afraid to leave. I've lived in a foreign country for months when I was younger and far less experienced, I can do it again. I know it's super, super dangerous right now and the drug lords and shit are having a field day out there but there are field schools happening in Egypt and Sudan right now. There are students that are flying out there without a word of Arabic just to study for a few weeks. If they can do it and not get ambushed or killed, so can I. I'm Mexican anyway, I'll fit right in. And it'll only be for the six month duration of a school year. I'll be gone for 6 months and that's it.

Hell, depending on the program, I could probably be gone for a shorter time. Either way. I want that to happen. I want to study in Mexico, I don't care what it is. I won't let my mom's crippling fear seep into my ambition. I love history, anthropology, language. There's no better way to do this besides immersing myself in the culture. And I'd still have a tumblr and everything! I'd miss home, sure, but I'd finally be where I'm supposed to be. For once. I'll be where I'm supposed to be.

I'll be super lonely but it's grad school! I don't want to half-ass it, I want to live there, I want to study there. I want to learn how to read and write in Spanish too so I might as well go all-out, right?! It'll be six months of intense study, then summer vacation where I could go home for a month then get back to work. Let me do the math for a second....

At my current rate, I make about $1800 a month. I'd probably pay around $600 a month of rent so I'd have to leave about $3,600 with lulu. Let's round that up to $4000 just to be safe. I paid off one of my loans completely but I'll pretend I still have that payment of $220 a month. Doing the math I'd have to save for 18 months. Let me set aside $300 and it'd be cut down to a year. Within a year (which is the time it would take me to apply to grad school anyway) I could have the rent money ready. My lulu would be safe.

That is, of course, if the program lasted 6 months....

But that's why loans exist, right?! And credit cards! Yay! I'd be gone for 6 months, come home for 6 months, and then wow, I have a Master's degree. Fuck, I want to look this shit up right now, let's get going!

First goal: move the fuck out.
Second goal: apply to grad school (oh yeah, I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THE GRE AGAIN SAY WHAAAAT!)
Third goal: be happy.

Let's do this thing!

Gee whiz this was fun

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? OH GOOD GOD THAT WAS MY SISTER WHY
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Uhhhhhh no?
3. Have you taken someones virginity? I have not.
4. Is trust a big issue for you? I wouldn't say it's a big issue but it's certainly an issue.
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? I have no crush, unfortunately.
6. What are you excited for? NEXT WEEK MOTHAFUCKAS OHMEGOD

7. What happened tonight? Nothing really noteworthy? I got home, worked out a bit, showered, studied, ate dinner, and am now freezing my ass off downstairs while watching Rush Hour (my god this movie is hilarious)
8. Do you think it's disgusting when girls get really wasted? Why would it be disgusting for girls in particular? Is what they do particularly different or special? What a stupid question.
9. Is confidence cute? Cute is an interesting adjective for confidence. I wouldn't say it's cute really, it's more admirable or appealing, but not cute.
10. What is the last beverage you had? Wata
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Holy crap........... zero. None.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? I do! I love them because I can wear them to work and still look a little fancy.
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Lulu just bought Lego Lord of the Rings so WE'RE PULLIN AN ALL-NIGHTER
14. What are you going to spend money on next? What an excellent question!.............. gas. Wow. Wow. Wow that's sad.
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? NO, JESUS.
16. Do you think you'll change in the next 3 months? It'll be June so maybe? I'm hoping to at least get rid of my back fat by then but you never know.... I might have bangs too...... Exciting.....
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My sister, but I'm not a very open person so I don't really tell her everythinggggg
18. The last time you felt broken? Realizing I couldn't go to grad school.
19. Have you had sex today? Haha, it's like taking medicine. No no, no sex today, thank you, good day to you.
20. Are you starting to realize anything? Sort of. Painfully slowly, but... sure, okay, kind of. I'm starting to see what I want to do with myself with a bit more clarity.
21. Are you in a good mood? Always! Except on Tuesdays. Tuesdays can go fuck themselves.
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Yeah!
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad's? ......yes? I inherited mostly everything from my mom so I'm not sure.
24. What do you want right this second? I want to go home really really badly.
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/guy? *shrug* Not in love at the moment.
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yeppers
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh? Absolutely not.
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? A comment on a post I made on tumblr. These kids are fucking hilarious.
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Honestly? Truly?.............. No.
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Depends on how they fucked up in the first place. If they made an honest mistake, sure, give them a second chance. But if they, like, killed their wife and kids and want to learn how to love again I'd say hell no, let them slowly rot in jail, what the fuck is wrong with you.
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? NO! He's awesome.
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? *sigh* Not in love at the moment.
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? Yes
34. Listening to? "Hit It" by New Politics
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Only by accident. I have to use pencil when I mark the mail...
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Yes, at home, making me a cake, hopefully ;D
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. Unless it's a kitten or a newborn baby.
38. Who did you last call? Let me check..... my dentist...... outstanding........
39. Who was the last person you danced with? Oh my god! My Spain crew! Holy shit it's been a while!
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? About an hour ago?
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? Mmmmmm cupcaaaakes. I'd say Christmas time.
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Not yet but I will.
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Yes! Hahaha!
44. Do you tan in the nude? No, I'm Mexican, I was born nude and tan.
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Nope. (What's with all the kissy questions?!)
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? I did not. I'm not in high school anymore.
47. Who was the last person to call you? My fucking dentist, did we not already cover this.
48. Do you sing in the shower? Only on the weekends cause I sing reeeeeeally loudly and no one else is home at 10am on a Saturday.
49. Do you dance in the car? I dance everywhere you could possibly think of, the world is my stage.
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? I have!
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Oh wow, good question.... I can't remember if it was for the high school yearbook OR that one family portrait we did for church, I can't remember which came first. That one photographer dude at my graduation totally doesn't count.
53. Is Christmas stressful? It's more exciting than stressful. I guess the only stress I feel is making sure my gifts come in on time.
54. Ever eat a pierogi? No but I'd like to!
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple, there's no contest.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Dancer, artist, Egyptologist.
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Nope. I do however believe that we still haven't figured out some stuff though and that believing in ghosts is totally harmless and fun.
58. Ever have a deja-vu feeling? Yesssssss so many times.
59. Take a vitamin daily? I do not.
60. Wear slippers? If they're lying around, sure. I prefer socks.
61. Wear a bath robe? I'm Mexican so no.
62. What do you wear to bed? Clothes? If it's summertime I sleep in the nude.
63. First concert? Papa Roach, the Gaslighter, 1999.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? TARGET BITCHES (if anyone says Wal-Mart, I will spit on you)
65. Nike or Adidas? Neither, they're both horrible companies.
66. Cheetos or Fritos? CHEETOS puffy or skinny it don't matter
67. Peanuts or sunflower seeds? Ehhhhh neither, I prefer almonds or walnuts.
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I'm going to be perfectly honest here. I've only ever heard one song of hers and it was pretty damn catchy but I wouldn't say it was a favorite, even if it was just one song. I'm not even sure it was her song, actually.
69. Ever take dance lessons? Yep. Ballet at 4, Folklore at 14, Salsa at 20. DANCING.
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? What an interesting question! Uhhhhh I don't really know. Something academic, maybe, that'd be nice. Or something involving Anthropology would be even better. (Not archaeology though, thank you, I've had enough of male archaeologists in my life).
71. Can you curl your tongue? No.
72. Ever won a spelling bee? Hahaha, god no, I'm absolutely devastating when it comes to spelling.
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes and it's the greatest feeling in the whole fucking universe.
74. What is your favorite book? I really had to think about this one because I tend to favor certain types of books depending on my mood. As of right now it'd be "Jane Eyre" because it's fucking wonderful and I'm in a GREASE IS NOT A SEXIST MOVIE AND HERE'S WHY type of mood so.....
75. Do you study better with or without music? I need absolute silence, I can't listen to music without paying attention to it.
76. Regularly burn incense? I used to but the smell wouldn't get out of my clothes so that had to stop.
77. Ever been in love? Yes.
78. Who would you like to see in concert? The Beatles *cries alone in a corner*
79. What was the last concert you saw? It was Korn way back in October. That's unacceptable.
80. Hot tea or cold tea? Depends on the season of course. I absolutely love both.
81. Tea or coffee? Tea, I never drink coffee.
82. Favorite type of cookie? What a glorious question, oh my god. No, no I can't answer this one, this one's impossible, I love oreos and any type of lemon cookie or any type of powdered cookie or any cookie that's crunchy and not soft. I love all kinds of cookies except the fucking healthy ones. Those aren't cookies. Those are just shit.
83. Can you swim well? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't drown.
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes. Can most people not do that?
85. Are you patient? God no, but I guess I'm more patient than most people I know.
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? I would say DJ but then you run the risk of hearing horrible music at your own wedding so let me go with a band. But then if you have a band, you can't party until 3 am which is customary in Corona weddings so I don't know. Get married in a courthouse.
87. Ever won a contest? I have! It was awesome.
88. Ever have plastic surgery? Nope.
89. Which are better, black or green olives? Depends on what you're having them with. I like green olives in pastas and junk but black olives are better on pizza. Just depends.
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Yes please as long as it's safe and consensual.
91. Best room for a fireplace? The bedroom.
92. Do you want to get married? I do not. I'd rather have a fucking awesome companion that I can occasionally have sex with than a husband.


I have FOUR ENORMOUS STACKS of shit to file and I keep putting it off and putting it off and here I am updating my livejournal because I'm a flipping idiot.

I got 6 hours to do it, I'll be fine right?!?! I got my ipod, it's casual Friday so I'm in jeans and a Star Wars shirt, I have all the time and comfort in the world to file FOUR ENORMOUS STACKS of fucking awfulness, it's all good! I need a cookie or something, I can't fucking handle this.


Fucking Tuesdays, man

For a Tuesday, I'm pretty flippin' happy!

I was super super productive yesterday and this morning I was super productive so I'm awfully proud of myself. I still have an enormous stack of filing to do but WHO GIVES A SAUSAGE, I'M HAPPY.

Most people dislike daylight savings time but I'm frickin' loving it. I get to go home an hour earlier than usual so the sun's still shining and the birds are still chirping and people seem to be in a better mood during traffic so, I'm certainly not complaining! Here's to driving with the windows down! WOO!

My boss bought me a chocolate chip cookie when he went on his Starbucks run. OH HAPPY DAY!

Yikes, some guy is here to see Mohinder and he has noooooo problems with personal space, oh my god. I can tell he had mexican food for dinner, that's how fucking close he was standing next to me. BUT LOOK AT ME GIVING A SHEEEEEET!

And now he's hitting on me. Fantastic. He'll pay me double what Mohinder's paying so I can come work for him in San Fran..... well now my day is just a little bit ruined. Thanks, you fucking pervert.....


There's something in these cookies..................... besides happiness and self-worth...................

I've been doing these 20 minute workouts with the love of my life and I haven't felt this good in years. I actually sweat so hard, I have to blink to get it out of my eyes. There's this certain part that I've never managed to do without stopping for five seconds because it feels like your arms are about to fall off, but I didn't stop at all yesterday. I didn't stop! Yeah my arms were all shaky and sweaty and numb at one point, but I didn't stop, and now they ache like I arm-wrestled with Satan. It feels amazing. My guns are turning into fucking AK-47s, MWAHAHAHAHA. >=D

I'm kinda bummed I have no plans for summer, though, but I won't think about it too much. Maybe I'll plan a quick trip to Mexico or something, since all the deadlines for field school have long since passed. Maybe I'll go visit some pyramids in Guatemala, just me, myself, and I. ORRRRRRR I could ask one of my field school homies to come with me! *gasp* I AM A FUCKING GENIUS! They're all broke and college grads and more than willing to visit strange and exotic lands while cramped in a super cheap hostel! WHO'S WITH MEEEEEEEEEE!!!

My birthday be comin'! I hate going out to dinner because honestly, I don't really enjoy hanging out with my entire family all in one go. I know that sounds harsh but it's my fucking birthday so I get to choose. Gio and Matt and le baby are a lot to take just on their own; then add the drama that is my mom and dad and you get an abundance of annoying whining, self-loathing, and irritation all within a two hour period. Plus, I don't like crowds, I don't like shitty music, and I don't like having to read the menu over and over so my mom doesn't order something over 500 calories. It sucks.

SO here are me plans: ask for my b-day off because it's a Wednesday and who works a full day on their birthday? NOT ME MOTHA FUCKAS. The thought of faxing something on the day of my birth makes me want to punch someone right in the face. On my glorious day off, I'll be sleeping in (SAY WHAT!), then I'll be having breakfast with my big sister and my little baby Lily. I'm thinkin' IHOP but if she wants IHOP, I have no choice but to enjoy the IHOP that she wants instead of the IHOP I want. Yeah.

THEN it's back home to enjoy lunch with the parents. If I take them in increments, they're not so bad. And if they're payin', I'll go wherever, whenever they need me. I SHALL STUFF MY FACE IN CELEBRATION.

My 26th year of life is going to be FUCKING EPIC.

Then I'll be chillin' with my baby. Don't know what we're going to do (beach? movies? HIKING?! The choice is miiiiine...) but I definitely don't want to be at home all day at least until midnight. Maybe we'll do all three? Yes. YES. YESSSSSSS.

Are there any concerts going on?! I should look that shit up....

Oh and to add icing to my absolutely delicious life-cake, I bought tickets for the double feature of Cap 1 and Cap 2 for April 3rd. And I'm seeing it again at midnight on the same day. If I never update this journal again, please know that I died while watching Cap 2 and that I enjoyed every minute of my waking life until my last moments as a 26 year old. I died with honor. I shall haunt your dreams.


Then Saturday happens and we're off to Vallejo to ride some roller coasters and to eat some chicken fingers. Where is this magical place, you might ask? Why it's SIX FLAGS YOU SONS OF BEEEEETCHESSSSS! We're going to drive down there at like 8 in the morning so we can be there all day. It's going to be sooooo exhausting after spending all day at work on Thursday, seeing three movies until 4 am, working the next day AND the next day, and then taking the two hour trip to the park.

Seriously, my 26th year man...... it will be EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTS.

Shit! It's almost 5, I gotta go! Oh and Chris invited me to his b-day on the 1st but LESLIE ISN'T GOING BECAUSE I HAPPY DAMN IT! XD

Bored bored oh good lord

Height: 5'5"
Age: 25 (26 in a month! Weee!)
Shoe size: 7 1/2
Do you smoke?: nope
Do you drink?: nope
Do you take drugs?: nope (wow this so fascinating)
Age you get mistaken for: 22-23
Have tattoos?: yep, lyrics on my left forearm
Want any tattoos?: yep, I'm getting plenty more (next one should be on my chest I think....)
Got any piercings?: yep, one on each ear and one on my right nostril
Want any piercings?: maybe my eyebrow or some more in my ears, I dunno
Best friend?: my baby
Relationship status: singggggggle!
Biggest turn ons: intelligence, maturity, humility, great sense of humor
Biggest turn offs: arrogance, ignorance, insecurity
Favorite movie: it depends on my mood, but I generally love period films
I’ll love you if…: you acknowledge that sexism is everywhere
Someone you miss: ........oh my god, I don't miss anyone......@_@
Most traumatic experience: Almost drowning in a giant pool when I was eight and couldn't swim.
A fact about your personality: I'm usually very optimistic so that when disappointment inevitably happens, it doesn't hit me as hard.
What I hate most about myself: I'm very controlling. If you don't do what I say and you suffer for it, I have little to no sympathy for you. I hate that I'm like that, I wish I was more sympathetic.
What I love most about myself: I'm strong and self-assured. I'm kind of in love with me..... seriously....=D
What I want to be when I get older: Haha, I'm already older! I'm not letting go of my dream yet. I want to teach and I want to encourage.
My relationship with my sibling(s): healthy and awesome. We're super duper close and I have a feeling we always will be.
My relationship with my parent(s): pretty good, it's not bad. I don't really like my dad as a person but as a dad, I'm grateful he's not a misogynistic control-freak like most Mexican fathers. My mom is a real piece of work but I love her. She's just learning what kind of person she is and it's kind of exhausting to deal with. I do love her though, she was a great mother under their circumstances.
My idea of a perfect date: take me to a museum! any kind, art, science, history, the fucking tech museum, I don't care, I love them all. Then we can get junk food and fro yo after we visit the outrageously priced gift shop <3
My biggest pet peeves: when native-speakers butcher the English language, when guys sag their pants, socks with sandals, when people eat with their mouths open
A description of the girl/boy I like: I do not have a crush =C
A description of the person I dislike the most: sexist, racist, arrogant, stubborn, stupid
A reason I’ve lied to a friend: to keep them happy and blissfully unaware
What I hate the most about work/school: no one else is really pulling their weight; menial tasks are given to me because they're too fucking lazy to do it themselves; they tend to blame me for everything
What my last text message says: Lemme ask her
What words upset me the most: "you're overreacting" or, another favorite, "that's not true, you can't prove that."
What words make me feel the best about myself: positive ones, of course, but not words that preach instead of encourage
What I find attractive in women: confidence, beautiful smiles, altruism
What I find attractive in men: confidence, beautiful smiles, altruism
Where I would like to live: in the woods somewhere in California would be perfect (with plenty of cold, please, so I don't have to worry about forest fires)
One of my insecurities: my skin
My childhood career choice: dancer then artist then Egyptologist (seriously. I wanted to be one when I was 12)
My favorite ice cream flavor: oreo chocolate chip or strawberry cheesecake XD
Who I wish I could be: hmmm......I don't want to be any other specific person, really; it'd be nice to have the qualities of other people though
Where I want to be right now: home
The last thing I ate: string cheese
Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately: CHRIS EVANS NO JOKE (I read the word "sex" and thought of Chris Evans.)
A random fact about anything: The Beatles had more than 27 Number one hits in America, contrary to what the "One" compilation album suggests.


No, but here's the thing

Gary spends ten minutes trying to tell me what to say on the phone instead of dialing the number and calling himself. That would have taken way less time. He enjoys talking over me and the person the phone too since I'm not reading his mind and saying what he wants me to say. He also has me make copies even though he has his own damn copy machine, and he's too lazy to get up and send his own faxes, get his own water, or turn on the fucking color printer. It's unbelievable, he's getting as bad as Gill and that fucking sucks.

I bought a new laptop and I just realized it can't play CDs. It's not like it's complicated but I just don't give a shit about learning how to use it and customize it. If I didn't need a laptop to type with, I don't think I'd even use one. It doesn't give me spell check, for goodness sake, what the hell.

But you don't have to turn it off or anything, you can just close it and it stays on. That's fucking magical.

I connected my Kindle to it and it refuses to read my PDFs. I downloaded three different types of "Kindle for Mac" readers and nothing fucking worked. I downloaded two types of Adobe software and it still didn't fucking work. If I can't read my PDFs then what was the fucking point of having a Kindle? That's what I use it for. I thought Macs were supposed to be better and fucking easier to use? Cause so far, I'm missing the hell out of my old laptop.

I realized recently that I have a potty mouth. Every other word I think in my head is the word "fucking"-- it's not even one of those smaller curse words like "shit". I say "fucking" a lot and it sometimes wants to slip in during a casual conversation and that's definitely not good. Taking a mental note.

Planning on going to Vegas for my birthday? But uh, I kinda haven't paid my loan off yet (which I want to do this month?!) and mom and dad still haven't paid me back for Disneyland. Dad wants to fly there and the MJ show alone costs $150/person. We'd have to rent a car and stay in a hotel too, and we have about a month to come up with the money. I can't use my credit card this time either so this shit'll have to come out of our pockets. Maybe we should just see the MJ show? I don't know. I'm happy with a fucking barbecue in the backyard so......

Virtual bowling at Marion's on Saturday and OSCAR NIGHT on Sunday. Should be fun but I hope their son is doing okay. I wouldn't want to impose on them when they're worried and depressed.... I would like to dress up for the Oscar night but I know me too well. I won't. Nothing's more uncomfortable than watching a movie in a dress and heels at a movie theater. I have Moulin Rouge! to thank for that so I'm not doing that again. Still. It'd be fun?

Oh oh! I'm working out now! (Whaaaat). Gio gave me this video that she thought was too intense for her so naturally I wanted to see if it could kick my ass too and yeah, it totally did. But I really like it! It's fun! Lulu bought some weights and we do it every day and rest for a day or two in between. We have to at least do it five times a week or we're just wasting our time. God I really missed panting and aching and sweating so hard it gets in your eyes, I feel so fucking great!

And my knee doesn't hurt as badly this time around. Heyyyyy.

Jesus, it's barely 3:15?! I still got two hours here?!

Hmm. Didn't have a movie night with Eunie this month....Next month it is! XD

Visited lulu at work today. Her office is so fucking nice, I can't get over it. Natasha liked my top. Hehehehehe. We talked about grad school and how sad and disillusioned I am and they totally agreed that I should wait. I'm seriously considering grad school in mesoamerican history. How fucking EPIC would that be? But not yet. I'm dying, dying to go but not yet. I'll wait till the murdering and levels of rape goes down..... OSDIFJA;SODIFJKJF;ALKDJF!

Yikes, my boss just walked in and he looks terrible. His hair is a mess and he hasn't shaved and he wasn't smiling. He looks exhausted. He always looks at least put together every single day, and he always walks through the door with a big smile on his face. He must have had a rough weekend, attending his aunt's funeral and all. Yikes.

Now might be a bad time to remind him to file his taxes? Yeaaaah....

 Ooooh I'm hungry. Time for some pears in a cup! And then I finally get to go home, take out the trash, kick my own ass, and then take a nice, warm shower. I need to finish reading my book today, I've decided. Just looking at my laptop or my kindle pisses me off. But yay! Go Monday! 
Please please remember why you made your decision.

It's not what you want. You don't want to spend the rest of your life begging others for grant money. You don't want to spend hours pouring through out-dated articles in order to source them. You don't want to stick to one kind of research so you can please faceless scientists that agree with you. You don't want to participate in a field where bones are viewed as objects and not subjects. You don't want to be cold, you don't want to become an embittered old lady by the time you're 40. You don't want to be Dr. Weiss.

You looked at every single graduate program for physical/evolutionary anthropology. You don't want to leave the country to study so you stuck to California, no matter the distance. There were a few that grabbed your interest but there was always something that just didn't feel right. For the most part, you were being honest with yourself. This isn't what you thought it would be and that pissed you off. No wonder people have never heard of anthropology, the graduate programs are a fucking joke. You would have to narrow it down and you love all of anthropology. You didn't want to fucking choose between interests!

Do you want to do applied anthropology? If that's what you want to do, you have to do cultural anthropology OR museum studies. Neither of them appeals to you. Do you remember those awful cultural anthro classes you took in college? Do you remember how redundant they were, how long-winded and how stupid they were? Why do you have to care about colonization? It's an embarrassment to our field, why must we know about the assholes that treated indigenous people as objects and not people? Because that's what we do, remember? We need to toe that line between study and exploitation and you wanted no part of that. This is not why you chose this major. This is not where your passion lies. What good is studying a civilization if you plan to do absolutely nothing with your knowledge? We're not supposed to interfere with a culture's development. If they're suffering, jot it down, that's your job as a scientist. What the actual fuck is the point then? Why the hell are we doing this?

Ethnographies are ridiculous. You spend your entire life studying one area of a culture so you can publish a book that absolutely no one reads. Are these books supposed to encourage others to do something about social injustice? Are those 20 year olds reading your ethnographies in college supposed to do something about xenophobia? What about you?! You're the one with the PhD and the travel miles to make a difference! What's the fucking point if all you're going to do is publish publish publish so you can make a name for yourself??

And no, you don't want to spend $60,000 a year on a graduate program that will teach you how to arrange artifacts so you can work in a museum. Yeaaaaaah no thank you, you can do that shit with absolutely no background on it.

You want to teach; you've wanted to teach since you were eleven years old and you tutored kindergarten kids. This is an interest that won't go away and you want to keep doing it in any way you can. This is why you volunteer; it satisfies a need in you that anthropology couldn't do. You don't want to teach elementary school, you don't want to teach middle school, and you don't want to teach high school. The only way you can teach at the college level is by getting a master's degree and that's why you went looking for one in the first place. You see yourself teaching evolution in ten years so that's what you want to do.

Education. Youth. Mexicans. Women. These are your interests and getting a master's degree on morphological changes in the knee cap has nothing to do with these. If grad school were cheap, sure, you would get several master's degrees in things you love, there's no harm in that. But you need to know that you're making an investment and quite frankly, you don't love it that much to stake your entire future on it. You really, really don't. You're already in debt with your undergrad education and until you pay that off, you're not comfortable adding another incredible amount to it just for the sake of indulging an interest. You can do what you love for free. You can do what you love for free.

Things will happen for you. You know that. You have never been a person that gives up so stop looking at this as giving up. You've never given up on anything, since you were a kid. If you wanted something, you earned it, and if you wanted nothing to do with something, you kicked it to the curb. That's what you do. That's what you're good at. You have exceptional self esteem and that's supposed to fucking carry you places, and it will. Do what feels right.

Don't let your worries keep you from doing what you love. Fuck the system, Leslie, they're a bunch of pompous white dudes that got their PhDs back when going to college cost a nickel. You want to do more than what they did. You have so many interests, so many desires, that to choose one is to make the mistake those guys made. That's why they're embittered. That's why they wanted to squelch your enthusiasm any chance they got. They wanted you to be realistic and you just laughed because negativity isn't in your nature, no matter how hard they wanted to push it out of you. It's okay. You're not going to let life kick the shit out of you. You're not going to let something you love turn you into someone you never wanted to be.

Because you've known what you wanted to be since you were twelve years old. You saw yourself in your minds' eye as someone who was well-adjusted and happy. It didn't matter where you were and it didn't matter who you were with. You were always helping people one way or another. You were always reading, always writing, always drawing, always thinking. And you're not going to let anyone change your mind. You know who you are and you know what you want.

Just fucking do it already. <3

The "whenever you feel like shit" post

From the amazing Nickie:

Oh my. Where do I begin. You are truly amazing. It is incredible to me that we had only 5 short weeks together, but I could swear you know me better than most people I see everyday.....Every time I get frustrated I think about you. Seriously. You taught me to take a deep breath and keep smiling. I get so easily wrapped up in stuff and you are so unconditionally loving and I couldn't thank you enough for being who you are. I hope you are well and I hope you have a wonderful week!

So this wonderful lady once dressed up as an enormous vagina to hand out condoms during her school's Sex Education Week... If she thinks I'm amazing, then I'm probably a little amazing. =)

From my amazing Kathryn:

Dude, this guy at Starbucks said this super sexist thing about making sandwiches and I immediately thought of you. I literally thought to myself "if leslie were here, what would she do?" So I just stood up, got in this guy's face and told him to fuck off. It was pretty awesome of me, thank you.

When I met her, she was in a really abusive relationship. Her boyfriend forced her to have sex with him for the first time and she had no idea that um, that's considered fucking rape. So we talked and talked and talked and she finally realized that she was worth something and that she had a say in what she wanted out of life. This means a fucking lot when you consider how little self-esteem she had.

From my darling Sam:

How cool would it be if we both became archaeologists and we were super feminist and we teamed up like some kind of anti-archaeological oppression team. "THAT'S DISCRIMINATORY! FEMINISTS AAWAY!"

Sam would be my partner in crime (and justice).

Now from my Lily-kins:

I forgot that you call people 'darling', I love that about you! I bet you're a wonderful auntie! She's going to grow up so strong and confident having a role model like you. I would love to have had you as an auntie.

So Lily also had a really abusive boyfriend and Sam and I would spend hours talking to her about it because she really couldn't see why her boyfriend's comments were abusive. He'd say things like "don't wear that, it makes you look fat" and "stop talking about it, you're embarrassing me" and "why can't your body look like hers? she's actually hot"......yeah.... Apparently, England is full of FUCKWITS like this asshole. But she left him, moved in with a buddy and hasn't looked back since. She's dating this super hot guy from Singapore who could easily be a fucking Calvin Klein model. seriously...

And last but not least, miss Keri (or should I say, Mrs. Keri!):

Leslie, I just want to say that meeting you changed everything. I honestly would have never gotten married if it hadn't been for you. I was scared, you're absolutely right, of questioning my faith and I had no intention of doing it for a stupid boy! But he was worth it. You made it worth it. Having these discussions with you has seriously opened my eyes to the way you both view things. How could an atheist like you be so kind and understanding? I was always taught that it simply wasn't possible. Then I met your smiling face and thought to myself, this girl is an atheist. What else have I gotten wrong? Thank you. Just, thank you. Both of us are very grateful.

I love Keri because she helped me find my atheism, back in the day. She runs a charity through her church and I convinced her to build some houses in Mexico because they're super Catholic down there and I guess god abandoned them. She just shook her head and smiled, like the wonderful Christian she is.

Okay I'm done blowing my own horn....hehehehe dirty...... Just sometimes, I need a teeny tiny pick-me-up. =)

Thiiiiiiiis is not fun

I'm starting the new year with a horrible cough that makes my head ache and my ears burn. Woohoo! Oh and I'm at work right now, buried under stacks and stacks of paperwork, and it's barely 10:30 in the morning. AAAAAAALRIGHT!

So I decided to take this time to update my journal. Awfully smart, I'd say.

And oh geez, I have nothing to write about. I keep swallowing my phlegm so I don't know if I'm nauseous or hungry. Gross, right? My hair looks awesome today though and this sweater is super warm and super cute. At least I look good. If I squint my eyes and relax my forehead, my headache subsides just a teeny bit. I could really use some tea right now. Maybe I should just go home before Mohinder comes in and gives me an insane amount of shit to do. Yeah.

Dad told me to take something before I left and I lied and told him I did. I don't do medicines, okay, I'm not that sick and I'm drowsy enough as it is. But damn it, my ears really hurt and I sound like a dead man when I have to answer the phone. Seriously, this client who I speak to almost daily didn't even recognize my voice. I should be sent home right?.....maybe I should have taken something. Huh.

I want to go home and put on my jammies and WHILE OUR FUCKING NEIGHBOR'S FUCKING DOG ISN'T OUTSIDE AND FUCKING BARKING FOR HOURS BECAUSE THEY ABUSE THE SHIT OUT OF THEIR DOG I just want to sleep. Sleep sleep sleep. And watch America's Next Top Model. Yes.

I don't need money. I've paid shit off for this month and I get paid tomorrow. I don't need too much. You know what I need? Uninterrupted sleep. Some fucking mashed potatoes with sweet carrots. I need silence and I need to turn my head off before it explodes. I need rest.

Yeah. I think I'll go home.

Wow. What an awesome first post of the year. Yay! =D