So here I am, at work, bored out of my mind. I have already filed everything that needs to be filed for today and it's barely 9:30. I'll find something to do after I update this I suppose. Life is good when you eagerly anticipate the mailman so that you have something to do!

I'm meeting with Dr. Weiss after work, around 5:30ish and I don't know why I always get so damn nervous. I've worked with her for years and she's always very kind when I go visit her but oh my gosh she's so intimidating! I always feel really.... stupid? Around her? I always feel like she expects me to be way more than I am. It's like I'm not quite good enough. She once told me that she failed several anthro classes as an undergrad so you would think that she'd be able to convey sympathy! Not that I've failed any it's just....she wasn't perfect either! 

I'm applying to the program she went to for her master's degree. I hope she writes me something awesome. 

I also asked Gill to write me one and he was like "no problem! when can I write it? When is it due? I could give it to you tomorrow if you'd like." He's so sweet. Now I have four letters of recommendation. Whut whut...



Oh! Where did that come from?! Excuse me....XD

Anywho I actually have to do some work in-between updating so this might take a while. I gotta say. I love the freedom of my job =) Ooh! The mail's here! Yaaaaay! Hang on a sec, Mr. Evans, I'll be right back....I'm not exactly obsessed yet though. I know nothing about him because I refuse to learn more about him because that leads to obsession because if I just keep him as a pretty face he means nothing to me. That makes sense. Objectify him and I'll be good. 

Mmmm....apparently he likes musical theater..... why aren't I 31? Oh yeah. That's his age.....I don't know anything else I swear.... my god....GET TO THE MAIL!...

Okay done. Seriously, I'm not obsessed. I just want to watch Captain America over and over just to get him out of my system really. He's so pretty I could cry. But that's okay! That's as far as it will go. I have no interest in seeing his other bajilion films cause eh. Well...I want to see a handful but otherwise! I'm good. He's just so....cute. 

And I'm bored at work so what else do I have to think about? =P

So this week on Friday I get paid. I worked 24 hours last week and I'll work 40 this week. That's 64 hours by $12 an hour and I get $768 this weekend. Take away 10% through taxes and I'll get a lovely $690 paycheck. The most I ever got from CVS was $300 a week and that was during the holidays. Awwwwww yeah! XD And $13.50 of that is going towards the purchase of Captain America with all the delicious extras. AWWWWWW YEAHHHHH! I'm not obsessed. 

$150 will go towards my GRE test. 
$30 will go towards my GRE prep book
$200 will go towards my first loan payment (yeeeeeah)
$13.50 will go towards Captain America (FUCK YEH)

That leaves like $200 for gas and CLOTHES. And I'm finally going to start building a wardrobe that does not consist of worn out junk mom's clients threw out and just so happened to fit me. I'll actually pick my own shoes and stuff. That would be lovely. 

Okay, gotta go. I have to make 3 thick-ass binders of medical records and I have no idea how to do it. The boss is leaving too so I get to do it my own way. Should be fun....Lunchtime! I guess I'll update again tonight. I'm going to be active again! 

=D

1. What is one of your favorite childhood memories? Going to Disneyland. I always had that teeny queasy feeling at the pit of my stomach; one of hunger for donuts and of extreme excitement. It'd still be dark outside and mom would let us go in our pjs. I would bring my pillow, a stuffed animal and a blanket. Little lulu and I would share the backseat. We were small enough to lay down and fit. I remember the smell of the air, the feel of the car beneath my ear, the soft music playing as we drove. It was wonderful every time. 
2. What is the weirdest dream you’ve had? Whenever I have multiple dreams at the same time. It's like I'm watching many stories at the same time as they overlap and I'm aware of it. This happens when I dream, wake up, and then fall right back to sleep within seconds. 
3. Who was/is your favorite teacher? Mr. Barnett. He made me fall in love with science and inspired everyone else in some way. 
4. What is your grade in school/ occupation if you no longer go? I just graduated but am currently unemployed. Typical!
5. What is your dream job? a bioarhcaeologist, a paleoanthropologist, a forensic anthropologist
6. Do you have any sort of weird hidden talent? I can recite all 50 states in alphabetical order
7. Do you make friends easily? I really do! But I'm absolutely terrible at following-up. I don't do facebook and I'm pretty picky. It's hard for me to get really close to someone. 
8. Have you been bullied? No, thankfully, I can't recall it ever happening to me. But I do remember it happening to others and it always greatly angered me. A boy called my friend fat and it was the first time I ever used the word "fucker". My friend said my other friend was too hairy to wear a bathing suit and I yelled at her in front of everyone. I would not and I will not stand for that, ever.  
9. Do you believe in “the one” or do you think multiple people can be right for a person? Definitely don't believe in "the one" or soulmates. There are 2 billion people in the world. What are the chances that your soulmate lives in your part of the world? Slim to none and that's generous. A real relationship takes time, effort, and chemistry-- not faith, hope, and naivety.  
10. Is your room messy or clean? Oh sooooo messy, I hate it. It's getting cleaned tomorrow. 
New questions:
1. PC or Mac? It's unfair that macs are so goddamned expensive. I hate both. I want a mac. 
2. Do you like chocolate? eh, not really. I love dark chocolate and chocolate with other things, like fruit and nuts. But as a dessert straight up? I'm good...
3. What type of phone do you have? a first generation chocolate. Awww yeah? 
4. What type of music do you listen to? hip-hop, metal, pop, '80s junk, punk, classical, alternative, soundtracks
5. How many followers do you have? my personal blog: 49, my musicals blog: 967
6. Who was your first follower? my seesterrrr XD
7. Favourite TV show? FRIENDS, the office (before season 6...), parks and rec
8. What is the first thing that pops into your head when you read this: chicken breast....what....
9. Are you a vegetarian? no but I only eat chicken and fish. I hate red meat, veal, lamb, etc. 
10. Which do you hate more: the post limit or the ask limit? eh. me no care. 
11. Do you think it’s possible to fall in love with someone on Tumblr? hahaha absolutely not

Ever since I first saw it, it instantly became one of my favorites starring Fred and Ginger. It was so drastically different from all of their other movies, it demanded my attention immediately. 

Their movies essentially went like this: Fred sees Ginger, falls madly in love with her, he pisses her off somehow, they dance and sing, she falls in love, he fucks it up, they dance and sing some more and all goes well for them in the end. You throw in some famous comics from the 1930s and there you have the Fred and Ginger films from 1933 to 1936. Carefree (1937) did deviate a bit but I'll review that one later. It didn't deviate as much as this film. 

For the first time in their careers they were allowed to play husband and wife. It's pretty shocking how well they do it too. What jumped out at me right away was the fact that not only was Ginger an outstanding actress (I had never seen any of her other films that weren't musicals), but surprisingly, so was Fred. Since the scripts for musicals were so simplistic and predictable, they never had the chance to truly shine as actors before this film. By 1937 their popularity was waning and I truly am grateful for that. It was because the public was getting bored that the studio allowed them to expand as performers and they took a risk with this film. 

It was so worth it. Fred blew me away. He has this very quirky, almost rushed sense of style when it comes to acting. He would have to overdo gestures and pronounce things in an unnatural way to portray a musical/comedic actor on screen. Such was the style of the day. But because he was portraying someone else who actually lived, he was allowed to be far more natural and thus his true acting ability was revealed. He's very sincere in his delivery, and although his character goes from a single vaudevillian to a popular dancer as he grows up, he somehow does not change character. He's devoted to his wife 100% and you're right there with him. You actually believe that they're married. 

A scene that comes to mind was when he realizes that he and Ginger were hired to go to France only for his shtick routine and not for their dancing. In order to break the news gently to Ginger, he sweetly buys her a hat she had seen in a window when they first arrived. What's heartbreaking is that Ginger blames herself for their failure and even though it really was her fault, Fred convinces her otherwise. There's this beautiful moment when she's looking outside the window in despair, knowing full-well that they ran out of money and did not have a job. He approaches her slowly and upon seeing her saddened face he grabs a hold of her arms and says very softly, in almost a whisper, "....dance with me." She protests but he gently leads her to the center of their run-down flat, softly pulling her against him as they slowly dance around the room to the sound of his light whistle. It was just a perfect scene for the both of them. 

As far as I'm concerned, Ginger had already proven her acting ability in Carefree (1937), the film that came before this one. Although this time around her character had a lot more depth and she too was portraying a real-life person. She had the amazing ability to sweep you away in her emotions from scene to scene. She would capture you right away with her sincerity and sweetness and take you along with her while her life became this turbulent mess. It's incredible to see her transformation from an innocent hopeful in the beginning to a strong, confident performer who must deal with the onset of WWI and her husband's untimely death. No one else could have played this part better than her. 

The dances were not particularly stunning like the ones that came before them but that wasn't the point of this film. Fred sings one verse of one song and Ginger performs one vaudeville skit and that was it. I wouldn't exactly consider this film a musical. For once, audiences were allowed to enjoy the other sides of Fred and Ginger-- not just the singing and dancing sides. 

One heartbreaking scene was the one after we learn of Fred's death. Fred had organized a romantic dinner, complete with orchestra and patio, for his arrival to see his wife. She gets there of course and when she sees their butler without Fred, she wanders out into the hall cheerfully, saying "Oh come on now Vernon, we haven't seen each other in months and you play games? Where are you?" The orchestra falls silent. She turns to her butler, who removes his hat. Your heart is right there with her, not wanting to hear the news that deep down you already knew. He sits her down and tells her that he died a hero. While teaching students to fly, he always sat in the front in case the plane crashed. That way the student would be saved. The plane crashed and it took Vernon with it. 

The orchestra then comes in softly, on cue. It plays a light version of "On the Sea, On the Beautiful Sea", the song playing on the beach when she and Vernon first met. Instead of making things worse, the sound soothes her as she begins to cry. "They were playing that when Vernon first kissed me..." As you feel a knot in your throat she breaks down, burying her face into her handkerchief to cry bitter tears. Her butler leaves her to grieve and the orchestra swells into the many ballads they had once danced together with. This is when your own tears fall down your cheeks, as Ginger walks out to the patio and sees everything he had prepared for her. 

From the railing, she looks out into the distance as she cries and says "Oh Vernon" under her breath. The camera moves over her shoulder to show you what she's seeing. Against the beautiful backdrop of trees and roses, we see the ghost-like images of her and her husband, sweeping across a non-existent dance floor, slowly twirling blissfully as they begin to disappear into the background. The music swells as we watch the past 9 films that Fred and Ginger made together fade away into the distance as the final dance is being danced. It's truly a tragic ending, in more ways than one. 

It was a wonderful film from beginning to end, and it makes me sad that fans of both Fred and Ginger don't really give his film much credit. Compared to Ginger Roger's academy award winning film Kitty Foyle (1940), this was nothing. Compared to Fred Astaire's academy award nominated performances in Three Little Words (1950), The Band Wagon (1953) and Daddy Long Legs (1955), this was nothing. But in terms of the Fred and Ginger series, of the ten films they starred in together, this one deserves a second look. To me, it is one of their absolute finest. 

My review: 90/100

Him: I really missed you. I'm glad I got to see you this evening.
Me: Yeah? I missed you too. Are you okay?
Him: You know...just sad not to be with you. 
Me: It's going to be really rough for a while. we really loved each other. but I figured being friends would be easier than being nothing. 
Him: It doesn't feel any easier. 
Me: What would you like to do then? we could have some time apart I guess
Him: Is it hard for you to see me?
Me: It's hard to see you unhappy. 
Him: I'm unhappy no matter what. Maybe we should spend time apart. 
Me: Okay ={
Him: Maybe I'm wrong...It's just hard because I want to hug you and touch you and I want the same from you. 
Me: I know... 4 years was a long time together. We just can't anymore tyler, as hard as it might be. We just can't and it sucks =/
Him: I just hate that it's over. I want you back...
Me: I'm so sorry love. I'm so sorry. staying friends right afterwards wasn't a good idea was it? this is too difficult. I can't come back sweetheart. I'm sorry...
Him: Ok....
Me: I just have to keep reminding myself why. we can still text each other right? or does that need to stop too?
Him: We can text. It's just when you're all cute right in front of me. that's when it's tough.
Me: Oh I'm not cute over text huh? I see! haha =P okay I understand. 
Him: It's a different kind of cute. One that is less likely to drive me crazy. 
Me: Wait, in a good way? I'm confused. 
Him: Of course in a good way. But bad as well because it makes me want you. 
Me: Ah I see. we can't have that. no more hanging out then. you said so yourself that we'd be okay. 
Him: It seemed to me that you were okay today. 
Me: I am okay. I just hate hurting you because I still care of course. 
Him: Just give me a couple of weeks I suppose...
Me: Okay. again I'm so sorry tyler but you know why I left and none of that could have changed in a few weeks you know? It's for the best, you'll see. 
Him: Not in a few weeks. But I am changing...

I knew that he wasn't 100% convinced we broke up for good. I broke up with him on March 31st and he's still in denial. I'm glad we finally cleared things up. I'm not coming back and that's that. =*(

( budump bump bump bump! )

48s
-"Blowin in the Wind", "A Place in the Sun", STEVIE WONDER
-"The Love you Save", "I Found That Girl", THE JACKSON FIVE
-"Dirty Diana", MICHAEL JACKSON
-"Smooth Criminal", MICHAEL JACKSON
-"The Way You Make Me Feel", MICHAEL JACKSON
-"Drive", "Favorite Things", "Pardon Me", INCUBUS
-"Borrowed Time", JOHN LENNON "Your Hands", YOKO ONO
-"Nobody Told Me", JOHN LENNON "O'Sanity", YOKO ONO

Vinyls
-Morning View, INCUBUS
-The Doors, THE DOORS
-Material Girl, MADONNA
-Lullabies of Birdland, ELLA FITZGERALD
-ABC, THE JACKSON FIVE
-Little Richard Rips It Up, LITTLE RICHARD
-Let It Be, THE BEATLES
-The Beatles (the white album), THE BEATLES
-Rubber Soul, THE BEATLES
-Abby Road, THE BEATLES
-Rock and Roll Music, THE BEATLES
-Love Songs, THE BEATLES
-Boogie Woogie Bugle Girls, THE ANDREWS SISTERS
-GREASE film soundtrack (original)
-THE WIZARD OF OZ soundtrack (original)
-STRIKE UP THE BAND soundtrack (original)
-SUMMER STOCK / THE PIRATE soundtrack (original)
-BABES IN ARMS / BABES ON BROADWAY soundtrack (original)
-Judy Garland in Concert, JUDY GARLAND
-Control, JANET JACKSON
-Thriller, MICHAEL JACKSON

Man.....my taste in music is awesome! XD

So my group interview's tomorrow and I'm starting to get a little queasy about it! I mean, if I don't get this job I literally have nothing else to look forward to. I guess I could try and keep reapplying to Whole Foods until something turns up but with this I would at least have June to look forward to. It would be a guarantee, not a maybe. And these are the only two places I actually want to work at. =/

I made a jeopardy game that I'm really hoping isn't too hard for everyone! At first I feared it would be too easy but I haven't been out of the loop for so long that I don't know what a common person would know. I tested the questions on lulu and she helped me change a few but lulu took a course on human evolution. I'm asking Tyler now and he seems to be getting them. I hope they're at least fun to answer!

This morning I forced myself out of bed at ten because I refuse to get up any later than that, even if I'm tired. I got up and discovered to my delight that no one was home. Yippee! So I had breakfast leisurely and watched my fav cooking show. The day was beautiful and there was even some wind blowing in the trees so I decided to take a walk. 

But I needed the car. As soon as the parents got home (around 10:30) I put on my sweat clothes and drove down to the hills for a brisk hike and walk. The smell was incredible and it wasn't quite warm enough outside to cause discomfort. I hiked it with surprising ease and I ended up jogging a bit on the flat ground around the hill. It does really get discouraging though when your feet start to ache so badly you're afraid they might cramp with one more step. I can't wear my insoles in my shoes because they become too thick and painful. They're not made for that. But if I don't wear them my feet are sore all day and they seriously stop me from getting anywhere with my workout. 

Oh well. Until I get a job, this can't be fixed. 

It was lovely anyway. The birds were chirping, the wind was rustling, and the sun was shining. Beautiful. Then before heading on home I passed by Tyler's house just to say hi. He had been studying and was in desperate need of a break =D We chit chatted a little bit and he said I looked really beautiful with poofy hair and a red shiny face. Is he calling me fat or...? XD

I got home and my shower was just as lovely. It was cold and full of sunshine, with a touch of Janet Jackson singing "Pleasure Principle." That sounds quite dirty but it, you know, wasn't...

I had a sandwich with cucumber and carrot slices. SO DAMN DELICIOUS. 

After getting my lesson plan underway, dad came into my room with a package. I wracked my brain trying to remember anything I've ordered recently but I came up blank. What the hell? It felt light and my dad stood there, just as curious as I was. I opened it quickly and out fell a black lanyard with the words "Turner Classic Movie Film Festival, April 2012" printed on it in white. HOLY SHIT MY MOVIE PASSES!!!!!! I flipped out and practically knocked my dad over running to lulu's room. APRIL IS NEXT MONTH AND HOLY SHIT AMAZING MOVIES ALL DAY IN LA WHERE THEY FIRST PREMIERED OH MY GOSH WITHOUT MY PARENTS I'M SO EXCITED I MIGHT PUKE! 

Lulu, one of my mom's workers, was really glad I liked her bag and had kept it for myself. She was carrying a really cute green one and I told her I liked it. Without a word she put it down and started to take things out of it. My mom and I just stared at her in amazement. 
"Here sweety, it's yours. If you like it, take it, I have a million of them." 
XDDDDDDD It's cute and green and black and Guadalajarian and light weight and hand made and just beautiful. I teased her and told her to get me a blue one and a black one. Based on this act of extraordinary kindness I might have my wish fulfilled! 

She gives great hugs and meaningful cheek-kisses. We need more people like her in the world. 

I watched Kill Bill 2 and Kung Fu Hustle in one night. That was a treat. 

So today was a wonderfully lovely day from start to finish. I'm now committed to going to bed before midnight but since it's literally 11:59 right now I'm going to cut myself a little slack. I'm in the middle of reading Jane Eyre and it's one of the hardest books to put down. Shall I read it now? I have a tough day tomorrow, maybe I should. With some tea. Goodnight. =3

( 100 questions that are actually fun. Yay boredom!  )

Hello journal, how I have missed you. 

You'd think that I'd update a lot more since I got my teeny laptop and it's so easy to use it. But alas. 

All I got to say is that life's going alright. I'll have to find a job soon before I go absolutely insane in this house. It's already starting. Hell, it started years ago. I recently read earlier entries and I realized that I've wanted to move out since my freshman year in college. 

Living here cannot be good for my health. 

Just going to costco with my mom for two seconds was so irritating and full of awful. 
"No, move the cart that way..."
"Put them right here, not there!"
"Go look for this and I'll wait for you." 
"Oh did you want a sample too? Go get one..."
"Why didn't you bring me a sample? *takes the rest of mine*"
"Hold the list, don't lose it like you lose your wallet."
"Does this have a coupon? Look in the booklet and rip it out."
"Oh my god why did she get a cart? she only has three things! So lazy..."
"Why are the lines always so long? Why are all these people here?"

I. DON'T. CARE. I just don't care. I felt like a robot just going through the motions, complete with fake smiles. All day today I was just blah and I got quite a lot done too. I wouldn't say I'm depressed yet. A major sign of depression is not being able to enjoy the things you used to enjoy. I definitely still love my music, my musicals, my bedroom, my puzzles, my spongebob, my sissy and my boyfriend. 

It's just living here and interacting with my parents that keeps me from smiling for real. I'm telling you, living here CANNOT be good for my mental health. 

I'll email Melissa tomorrow and bug the shit out of her. I'll email Dr. Bebel and Dr. Weiss AND the Cesar Chavez center tomorrow. I can't go crazy just yet. I just refuse to! It doesn't help that the parents need me to help them at work and there is no chance in hell that I'll be getting my car back soon. Fuuuuck. 

I'm going to spend a fortune on therapy.